Having a miscarriage and a baby knocked the FAKE right out of me.
Today is the day. The day we would have announced our precious baby to the whole world on Facebook. But today, I got on Facebook and saw a picture of one of my friends' sweet little girls, wearing a T-shirt that said"Big SIster Novemeber 2016. That would have been our due date month. Today would have also been our day to share. I liked the picture immediately on Facebook just because her daughter is so stinkin' cute. Then I read what the shirt said. And my heart sank. I felt jealousy happening all over my body. When did this dumb jealousy thing begin? Why are these feelings so strong all the time now? I want them to go away. I immediately wanted to "unlike" her post. I thought how immature that would be. How rude of me. How JEALOUS of me. I tried to feel happy for her. I think I talked myself into it for a second or two.
I pulled into our driveway. I watched the kids playing at the daycare across the street. The same daycare that we spent over an hour talking to a few weeks before, setting dates and planning for them to take baby. I watched for awhile. Watched the 2 and 3 year olds playing and running outside. Watched who my child would have played with and had been friends with. I cried. Actually, I sobbed. My best friend told me today, "I'm glad time is beginning to heal you." Well, that made me feel miserable. Does she know the aching I have now? The space in my heart and soul? Does she know that time won't bring my child back to Earth? Yes, time helps me to hold my emotions together better. Time helps me to become used to saying "I miscarried" out loud. The only reason it helps is because I have become used to it. Time doesn't help "fix" the hurt. The title says it all. Struggling to find purpose. Feeling like there has to be something more. I used to have such a huge purpose-- being pregnant and being a mom and loving Kaleb. Now I'm not going to be a mother. Now I'm just a teacher. And a wife. And what's my purpose? What else do I need to be doing? God is nagging me. Or maybe my emptiness is just nagging me. Making me feel unsettled. Maybe it is God. Maybe it's the devil. How can I tell right now??
I had so much purpose 2 weeks ago. But now I don't. Do you want me to be doing something God? If you want me to be doing something, tell me!! Show me!! Give me a sign!!! Give me the confidence. I need to live boldly huh? Live boldly for you. But what should I be doing?? Do you have something more for me to use me? If so, use me up!! Use me!! Well, here I am now back in normal
life. Trying to find my purpose. Purpose without a baby. Purpose without being pregnant. Having an ache in my heart and tinges of jealousy. Wondering why I'm not pregnant now. Why I couldn't meet my child. I think too much. Today I read an article about a mother who wished she had vacuum lines in her carpet. But now her wish came true, her kids were gone, and it made her feel empty. I wish I could just have one child. Maybe it's ok. Maybe I have a different purpose in this particular season in my life. If it is, I don't know what. I wish God would tell me. I shared my blog post about miscarriage. That gave me a distraction for awhile. But now I'm starting to go back to empty. God is filling me up, and I'm thankful for that. All I do is lean on Him. But I want that natural motherhood happiness. I dont want to have to search for happiness and "try" for happiness in all the ways God has made me happy. I miss the way I used to just be happy. With being pregnant. With being pregnant with my love, Kaleb. I guess maybe God is trying to teach me how to be happy alone. Without a child. My experiences may help me to be more real. To relate to women. To relate to many weaknesses. To stop pleasing everyone else and only please God. That's what I want. Stop pleasing everyone. Please God. Don't smile when I don't want to. Don't laugh when I don't want to. Don't crave others attention. Only crave Gods attention. God, how can I do that? Teach me. Teach me to not care about others opinions, to just live for you. To have more confidence in myself BECAUSE of You. To not care if people aren't happy with me. To not even look at the reaction on their face, just to do it because I'm doing it for You. I want that confidence that only You can give without feeling like I'm constantly talking to myself about You to give me that confidence. Lord, can I just have it? Could You grace me with it? I'll give it all to You. Help me do that. I don't know how. And I'm tired of trying. Just do it for me with your strength. And please, give me purpose. A change in purpose. A new purpose to help me trudge through life on Earth and enjoy it. |
AuthorBeen married to an amazing husband for 2 years. Kindergarten teacher. Believer in Jesus. ArchivesCategories |