Well, here I am now back in normal
life. Trying to find my purpose. Purpose without a baby. Purpose without being pregnant. Having an ache in my heart and tinges of jealousy. Wondering why I'm not pregnant now. Why I couldn't meet my child. I think too much.
Today I read an article about a mother who wished she had vacuum lines in her carpet. But now her wish came true, her kids were gone, and it made her feel empty. I wish I could just have one child.
Maybe it's ok. Maybe I have a different purpose in this particular season in my life. If it is, I don't know what. I wish God would tell me.
I shared my blog post about miscarriage. That gave me a distraction for awhile. But now I'm starting to go back to empty. God is filling me up, and I'm thankful for that. All I do is lean on Him. But I want that natural motherhood happiness. I dont want to have to search for happiness and "try" for happiness in all the ways God has made me happy. I miss the way I used to just be happy. With being pregnant. With being pregnant with my love, Kaleb.
I guess maybe God is trying to teach me how to be happy alone. Without a child. My experiences may help me to be more real. To relate to women. To relate to many weaknesses. To stop pleasing everyone else and only please God. That's what I want. Stop pleasing everyone. Please God. Don't smile when I don't want to. Don't laugh when I don't want to. Don't crave others attention. Only crave Gods attention.
God, how can I do that? Teach me. Teach me to not care about others opinions, to just live for you. To have more confidence in myself BECAUSE of You. To not care if people aren't happy with me. To not even look at the reaction on their face, just to do it because I'm doing it for You. I want that confidence that only You can give without feeling like I'm constantly talking to myself about You to give me that confidence. Lord, can I just have it? Could You grace me with it? I'll give it all to You. Help me do that. I don't know how. And I'm tired of trying. Just do it for me with your strength. And please, give me purpose. A change in purpose. A new purpose to help me trudge through life on Earth and enjoy it.
life. Trying to find my purpose. Purpose without a baby. Purpose without being pregnant. Having an ache in my heart and tinges of jealousy. Wondering why I'm not pregnant now. Why I couldn't meet my child. I think too much.
Today I read an article about a mother who wished she had vacuum lines in her carpet. But now her wish came true, her kids were gone, and it made her feel empty. I wish I could just have one child.
Maybe it's ok. Maybe I have a different purpose in this particular season in my life. If it is, I don't know what. I wish God would tell me.
I shared my blog post about miscarriage. That gave me a distraction for awhile. But now I'm starting to go back to empty. God is filling me up, and I'm thankful for that. All I do is lean on Him. But I want that natural motherhood happiness. I dont want to have to search for happiness and "try" for happiness in all the ways God has made me happy. I miss the way I used to just be happy. With being pregnant. With being pregnant with my love, Kaleb.
I guess maybe God is trying to teach me how to be happy alone. Without a child. My experiences may help me to be more real. To relate to women. To relate to many weaknesses. To stop pleasing everyone else and only please God. That's what I want. Stop pleasing everyone. Please God. Don't smile when I don't want to. Don't laugh when I don't want to. Don't crave others attention. Only crave Gods attention.
God, how can I do that? Teach me. Teach me to not care about others opinions, to just live for you. To have more confidence in myself BECAUSE of You. To not care if people aren't happy with me. To not even look at the reaction on their face, just to do it because I'm doing it for You. I want that confidence that only You can give without feeling like I'm constantly talking to myself about You to give me that confidence. Lord, can I just have it? Could You grace me with it? I'll give it all to You. Help me do that. I don't know how. And I'm tired of trying. Just do it for me with your strength. And please, give me purpose. A change in purpose. A new purpose to help me trudge through life on Earth and enjoy it.