Today is the day. The day we would have announced our precious baby to the whole world on Facebook. But today, I got on Facebook and saw a picture of one of my friends' sweet little girls, wearing a T-shirt that said"Big SIster Novemeber 2016. That would have been our due date month. Today would have also been our day to share. I liked the picture immediately on Facebook just because her daughter is so stinkin' cute. Then I read what the shirt said. And my heart sank. I felt jealousy happening all over my body. When did this dumb jealousy thing begin? Why are these feelings so strong all the time now? I want them to go away. I immediately wanted to "unlike" her post. I thought how immature that would be. How rude of me. How JEALOUS of me. I tried to feel happy for her. I think I talked myself into it for a second or two.
I pulled into our driveway. I watched the kids playing at the daycare across the street. The same daycare that we spent over an hour talking to a few weeks before, setting dates and planning for them to take baby. I watched for awhile. Watched the 2 and 3 year olds playing and running outside. Watched who my child would have played with and had been friends with. I cried. Actually, I sobbed.
My best friend told me today, "I'm glad time is beginning to heal you." Well, that made me feel miserable. Does she know the aching I have now? The space in my heart and soul? Does she know that time won't bring my child back to Earth? Yes, time helps me to hold my emotions together better. Time helps me to become used to saying "I miscarried" out loud. The only reason it helps is because I have become used to it. Time doesn't help "fix" the hurt.
I pulled into our driveway. I watched the kids playing at the daycare across the street. The same daycare that we spent over an hour talking to a few weeks before, setting dates and planning for them to take baby. I watched for awhile. Watched the 2 and 3 year olds playing and running outside. Watched who my child would have played with and had been friends with. I cried. Actually, I sobbed.
My best friend told me today, "I'm glad time is beginning to heal you." Well, that made me feel miserable. Does she know the aching I have now? The space in my heart and soul? Does she know that time won't bring my child back to Earth? Yes, time helps me to hold my emotions together better. Time helps me to become used to saying "I miscarried" out loud. The only reason it helps is because I have become used to it. Time doesn't help "fix" the hurt.