Every time I flush the toilet I'm flushing pieces of my baby down the toilet. I bleed a lot. I look in the toilet and say goodbye to pieces of what used to be a part of me. Of my precious child. I have highs and lows. I have moments of bitterness and frustration. I don't want to go back to work because that means the miscarriage is over. It turns into something that once "happened" instead of something that is happening. My baby becomes a memory rather than mourning what's happening now. I don't want my pregnancy to be over and my baby to be gone. I don't want to just "move on" and distract myself until I feel better. I want to hold onto this baby. I really want the bleeding to stop, but I don't want the bleeding to stop. If the bleeding stops, the baby is gone and out of me completely. And I'm alone. My cramping is still here and it's still painful. Reminding me that pieces of my baby are needing to still leave my body. Church feels lonely. The Pastor talks about the excitement of new mothers. I cry. I wonder what my baby is doing in heaven. If my baby knows I'm his mother. If my baby knows that I love him too. I wonder when I go to heaven if I'll be able to be his mother. I wonder if he will know I'm his mother when I get to heaven. I wonder.....
God's love through others is amazing. It's completely unconditional. It's overflowing. Other people have been amazing.
But my baby is still gone.
I woke up and I thought I felt better today. Then I heard a song on the radio. Then I walked into church and felt alone. Then I went to the grocery store and could buy my "before-pregnancy" lunches. I shopped the way I shopped before I was pregnant. I went home and read.
Kaleb's love has been amazing.
I don't want to go back and face reality and move on. Then baby will really be gone.
God's love through others is amazing. It's completely unconditional. It's overflowing. Other people have been amazing.
But my baby is still gone.
I woke up and I thought I felt better today. Then I heard a song on the radio. Then I walked into church and felt alone. Then I went to the grocery store and could buy my "before-pregnancy" lunches. I shopped the way I shopped before I was pregnant. I went home and read.
Kaleb's love has been amazing.
I don't want to go back and face reality and move on. Then baby will really be gone.